A Letter to My Younger Self
From One (Retired) Party Girl to Another
Disclaimer: This photo was created by Google Gemini and is not an actual photo of me.
If I could write a letter to the younger version of myself, I would tell her that being the life of the party will never be as fulfilling as life without the party.
When I first started cutting back on alcohol and partying in general, I had this immense fear of being left out, left behind, and forgotten. I worried that my friends would just move on without me and forget I even existed.
I felt boring, mostly because I didn’t know what I had to offer as a friend if I wasn’t taking shots, smoking weed, and twerking the night away. What was the alternative? Sitting there, trying to have deep conversations with music blaring over the speakers?
I have been dating the same man since I was 17 years old, so talking to boys wasn’t really my thing.
I really struggled to find my place, to recognize my worth, and understand that my role as a friend wasn’t to be fun and entertaining all the time.
Looking back, I can clearly see that this misconception came about because most of my friendships were rooted in superficial, sinful activities—shallow relationships where commonality was found in escapism. We bonded over the fact that we were seeking love and happiness by chasing every glimmer of distraction life had to offer. Drugs, music, attention, alcohol, and anything else that felt like a life worth living.
Each of us had something we were trying to outrun, and stumbling through the weekend, drunk and half-naked, felt like the most exciting way to do it. Unfortunately, waking up every Monday with a hangover, blurred memories, and regret wasn’t very healing.
I say, unfortunately, but I think discomfort with our decisions is often what leads us to make lifestyle changes. Without those Monday morning rude awakenings, I’m not sure I would’ve seen the damage until I was at rock bottom.
So, as I pulled away from the “party girl” persona I had so carefully curated, my friendships sorted themselves out. Many of them did move on without me, some just lost touch, and others continued to party, but that’s just life and adulthood. We grow, we move, we change, and we step into new phases of life.
The ones who stayed in touch … we found new depth in our friendships, new things to bond over, and new stages of life to share. Our relationships have blossomed into deep connections filled with love, respect, and a genuine care for each other’s well-being.
The ones who drifted away have grown, changed, and evolved as well, and I wish them nothing but the absolute best. I hope they found their worth, built thriving and beautiful families, and found their purpose. I hope they found Jesus.
So I share all this just to say, if you are in this stage of letting go of who you once were, shedding the old identity that kept you bound in self-destructive patterns disguised as comfort … there is light at the other end. There is a beautiful life beyond the horizon.
There are meaningful relationships that run deeper than the bottle. There are romantic relationships that thrive in peace and respect rather than chaos and dysfunction. There is peace when you let go and let God transform you and heal your soul wounds.
There is a Heavenly Father who is patiently waiting for you to invite Him in, but He is a gentleman, and He will never force Himself on you. When you are finally tired of running and escaping through every imaginable distraction, He will be there waiting for you to turn around, throw your hands up in surrender, and call out His name.
Luke 15:20 says, “And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Just like the prodigal son, even if you are a long way away, your Heavenly Father will rejoice when you turn back to Him, and He will greet you with a warm embrace and kiss.
I can tell you from experience that He won’t greet you with shame, condemnation, or guilt. He will greet you with unconditional love, mercy, and grace. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
So, from one retired party girl to another, I want you to know that it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. You might feel isolated, confused, or lonely at first. It’s not easy to let go of the identity or coping mechanisms you’ve formed to protect yourself. Give yourself grace in the transformation.
Maybe you read this and immediately walk away from that lifestyle, but if you’re anything like me, it might just be the beginning of a long journey. It took me years, little by little, the Lord slowly opened my eyes and changed my heart. One by one, He loosened the grip of each habit. I cried out to the Lord so many times, and then turned back to drinking or partying, because I felt left out, depressed, or needed a distraction.
The enemy (and sometimes other people) does a great job at making you feel shame because you fell back into your old ways, but the Word says, “Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” (Psalm 34:5) He is just waiting for you to turn back to Him again so He can continue to mold you and heal you from the inside out.
One thing that really shifted my perspective enough to actually kick the habits was when I started to recognize myself as a daughter of the King. When I really started to see Him as my loving Heavenly Father, it made it easier for me to run to Him instead of smoking a joint. When I finally believed it in my heart, I didn’t want to break His anymore. I didn’t want to steer others in the wrong direction. I wanted to be obedient.
Think about it, would a royal princess be allowed to act like a heathen and engage in debauchery if she were in line to inherit the kingdom? Would the King of Kings want His daughter, who represents His Kingdom, to party every weekend? Does it make it better if she shows up at church every Sunday? No.
The Bible says, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” (John 14:15) So, although we fall short daily, it isn’t an excuse to engage in iniquity. Iniquity isn’t just a single act of sin; it’s a pattern of sin. It’s habitual. It’s a decision to continually engage in sin when you know it isn’t right.
But the good news is, the Lord will cleanse you of your iniquities as you continually turn away from sin and prioritize studying His Word, praying, worshipping Him, and inviting Him to fill you with the Holy Spirit.
In Psalm 51:2, David says, “Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” So you’re not alone; in fact, you’re in good company. All Christians struggle and fall short. Anyone who tells you differently isn’t being honest.
So, I know you might be scared of letting go. I know you might not know what life will look like when you surrender your lifestyle and follow Jesus, and that’s okay. Come to Jesus, scared. Come to Jesus, unsure. Trust Him with your life. I can’t promise it will be easy, or without hardship, but I can promise that it will be full of joy. In Him you will find the fulfillment you’ve been seeking elsewhere. He will be there with you through every season, good or bad, and He will never abandon you.
I am here to tell you that it’s worth it. YOU are worth it. You are worth more than the life you’re holding on to, the people you're clinging to, and the habits you're distracting yourself with. God created you with a purpose! A calling unique to you. He knitted you together in your mother’s womb and designed you with specific talents and gifts that are too special to ignore. So I urge you, sweet friend, to tap into that anointing and step into the God-sized plan He has for you.
If you’re reading (or listening to) this, please know that I am praying for you. I am here if you need a friend. And more importantly, your Heavenly Father is with you.
Book Recommendation
If you’re looking for a good book to read, I would highly recommend reading The Esther Anointing, written by Michelle McClain-Walters. It’s a short book and an easy read, but it is one of the most inspiring books I have ever read!
Here is the link: Amazon - Esther Anointing
If you decide to read it, please leave a comment below and let me know what you think about it!
P.S.
I hope you found this post to be helpful in your walk with Christ!
Please feel free to comment below and share your own personal notes! I truly believe that the Lord uses scripture to speak to each of us in different ways, so I would love to engage with my readers and learn more about your perspective. My goal is to create an engaging community where we feel comfortable sharing our thoughts and growing together in fellowship.
Thank You!
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